Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Life

I hate when life gets in the way...basically I feel stupid, like a failure, sad, disappointed, etc.

I finally started to put a picture together of what I wanted to do with my life and it's never going to happen.

I guess I'll have to resign myself to the fact that I will spend my life, or at least 1/3rd of my life, staring at Excel spreadsheets, answering phones and doing other random bitch work around an office type setting. And I probably shouldn't complain about it either because I'm sure half the country would gladly do what I'm doing for a halfway decent salary. Or, at least 9.6 percent of the country, right?

I feel like I was lied to. Not by any one person but by multiple people and society in general. Maybe not intentionally. But still, we tell kids to go for their dreams, to do what they're passionate about and everything will be all right. Well guess what, that's not true. I probably shouldn't have kids because I will probably crush their dreams because I'm a realist, or at least I am now.

But hey, at least I tried right? Just like I tried grad school. For one whole semester. At least I finished one class though. I tried this for, oh, about 12 hours. I guess I should cut the vague crap... I've been volunteering at a women's center for the last year, just at their retail store. And then for reasons I won't go into, I got tired of doing that so I called up the volunteer coordinator and asked if there were other areas I could volunteer in. My options were either answer the hotline at the shelter or childcare at the shelter. Guess which one I chose... hotline, obviously. After doing that for a few hours once a week, I basically got offered a job there. I did have to interview for it, but it was pretty obvious I would get the job if I wanted it even before I walked into the interview.

Now, I should probably explain that this wasn't a full time position. It was a part time position and here's the kicker - they needed people for Thursday, Friday or Saturday nights. Obviously Thursday was out since I work on Friday and every other weekday. Friday was a maybe, but I didn't want to work 8 hours and then go work another 12 hours. Yes, I said 12 hours. The shift they were offering me was a 12 hour overnight shift.

When I heard this, I clearly should've said something along the lines of "well I'm flattered you thought of me, but working a 12 hour overnight shift in addition to my 40 hour workweek plus 10 hours of commuting to Houston probably isn't going to work out."

Did I say that? No. I said, "12 hour overnight shift? SURE!! I can do Saturday nights! Sounds Awesome." Or something along those lines... basically I told myself it would be no problem because I was so excited to maybe get some experience doing something actually meaningful. My thought process was something like "yeah, this will be great. I'll do it part time for a year, save up all that extra money. Then they'll probably offer me a full time position, and then I can do I job I love!!"

And after working one of these super awesome 12 hour overnight shifts my thought process shifted to "what the fuck was I thinking?!" and "why didn't someone (like my husband!) stop me!" Because he didn't want to crush my dreams, that's why. And, if he had tried that probably would've made me want to do it even more. That's just how I roll.

I am so stupid. First of all, I didn't stop to think how working 8pm Saturday - 8am Sunday would effect my WHOLE WEEKEND. Basically it was stay up super late Friday, sleep all day Saturday, go to work, sleep some on Sunday during the day, sleep Sunday night... and weekend's over. Second - not that money is the most important thing but money is kind of important to you know, pay bills. Definitely got a reality check when I found out full time people there make about $11.00/ hr. Can't pay my mortgage, car payment, and utilities on that! Which sucks because the people who do work there obviously work super hard. Just from what little I've observed it's nonstop and there's always some sort of crisis going on (you can imagine). Which brings me to my third point which is that even if scheduling and money were non factors, I don't even know if I can do this job!! I'd be responsible for up to 60 women and children and would have to handle any type of emergency, fight, conflict you name it. The people who work there are so underpaid it's not even funny.

Again, what was I thinking? So today I had to quit. After one shift. I feel like such a loser. I'm know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I am. But I'm really not trying to get pity, I swear (no one reads this anyway). I'm writing this because all these thoughts are jumbled up in my head and it's cathartic for me to put them down in a somewhat coherent fashion. But just in case someone is reading, I'm turning off comments. Again, I'm just basically writing this for me.

So that's my story of how I get super excited about things and don't think them through and have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my life.